MWF, Looking for a Date

516474I’ve started applying eyeliner when I go out. And earrings. If I notice dirt on my jeans, I might even change them. Suddenly, I’m putting a lot more effort into making a good impression. Why? I’m on the market again. In play. On the prowl. Seeking a soul-mate.

Oh, not a romantic one. Mr. 70 Percent may drive me crazy at times, but I love him and am in it for the long haul, wherever he may drag me. (Happy Valentine’s day, Honey!) What I’m trawling for is not love, necessarily, but friendship. Not to replace the beloved BFFs I left behind when we moved–that would be impossible–but simply for a little conversation and companionship. No long-term commitment required.

As it turns out, looking for a new friend is a lot like looking for a new lover. First, you make initial contact. This could be through a third-party fix-up, or a spontaneous encounter at the gym. I have even gone on nothing more than someone’s appearance–Great scarf! Nice haircut! She’s reading People!–which my 18-year-old daughter says is shallow. Maybe, but one of the great advantages of getting older is that you become skilled at snap judgments. That doesn’t mean you’re always right–and I certainly wouldn’t rule someone out as a friend just because her scarf was ordinary or she was reading Us Weekly–but first impressions provide a basic frame of reference. (Which is why I sometimes change my dirty jeans before I leave the house.) There’s got to be some sort of initial attraction.

264e7604-f803-429a-b9ba-6ef7acce51cfcshrtbre01Then there’s the stress of arranging the first meeting. Should you email or call? When? How do you convey interest without appearing over-eager? And friendship “dates” pose the same conundrums as romantic ones: coffee or wine? Meet there or drive together? Which boots to wear? But they also hold the same sort of promise–that little shiver of excitement you feel when you realize you both hate Tiger Moms, love Counting Crows, or consider Six Feet Under the pinnacle of good TV. As I’ve written before, sometimes you just know. For me, the measure of a good “friendship date”–like a good date date–is not just how easily the conversation flows, but also how quickly you delve into the nitty-gritty: family dynamics, romantic history, mental health. At least with prospective friends, that’s all the putting out you have to worry about.

Still, friendship dating summons the same kind of insecurities that romantic dating always has. There’s the constant checking of the phone–why hasn’t she texted me back?–and the fretting over radio silence. Maybe she doesn’t like me! I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned I once considered voting for a Republican, even if it was Christine Todd Whitman.

The whole experience makes me slightly envious of my 11-year-old daughter, who had about 50 new friends within a month of moving to Vermont. All she had to do was score a couple of soccer goals at recess and post a few hundred pictures of herself on Instagram. Maybe I should give it a try.

About Susan H. Greenberg

Susan H. Greenberg spent 22 years as a journalist for Newsweek Magazine. She now works as a writer, editor, teacher, and parent of three children, with whom she strives always to maintain a varnish-free relationship.
This entry was posted in Family life, Friendship, Kids, Marriage and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to MWF, Looking for a Date

  1. Susan Holzman says:

    Oh, Sue. Clearly, the prospects in VT haven’t yet realized that you’re a real catch. And good thing friendships don’t require monogamy because I bet the ladies there will soon get past commenting on your great boot collection and into some deep chats over a nice hilly run.

  2. Paul Sandberg says:

    Not that it’s any comfort, but multiply what you’re going through by about a trillion and that’s the challenge of moving to a new city (as I’ve just done, to Newport Beach) and making new male friendships, or at least ones that don’t feel like light beer commercials.

    • Plus you’re in California, which is another whole kettle of fish… At least you’ve got the world’s cutest toddler (instead of an ornery preteen, as I do) to serve as friend magnet! Good luck….

  3. archieg2013a says:

    aw sue! this Unvarnished Mom almost makes me want to move my nyc loving/nj living ass up to vermont and be your old/new bff! almost but not quite. not quite sure those gals up there deserve you:( one answer…wine instead of coffee. desperate times call for desperate measures miss you! love you!

  4. archieg2013 says:

    for god’s sake. wine not coffee. desperate times call for desperate measures….love you! miss you! head’s up Vermont women, there is someone awesome in your midst!!!

  5. pw mooney says:

    Think you should write a column for Vt local papers such as The Stowe Reporter. Your articles are so funny that I have added my daughter and my daughter-in-law emails to your newsletter subscriptions. Keep it going!

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